Every language on Earth already has a wide array of safe words – “Stop,” “No,” “I’m done” – all of which are great!

Words should always be taken to mean what they usually mean unless you have specifically agreed otherwise.

If you are planning a “non-con” (short for consensually non-consensual) scene, you might want these words to be ignored because you want to be able to say things like “No, no! Stop! You MONSTER!!” And in those cases, everyone involved needs to know what is actually being communicated, so there are no misunderstandings, consent violations, or worse. This is where “safe words” come in!

There are other reasons that safe words, gestures, or actions can be helpful:

• The Bottom will be gagged and unable to speak.
• Some people go nonverbal when they are in subspace or have a really hard time saying “no” for whatever reason.

In private scenes, you can pick anything you want for a safe word.  If you are playing at a party there may be a published universal safe word so that the people around you will also understand when things need to stop and can intervene if necessary.

Here are several common safe words/gestures/actions:

• The “Stoplight System”, the words “Red” / “Yellow” / “Green”:
• Red: The scene is over. I’m done. Let me out, check in, and move to aftercare.
• Yellow: Stop any action and check in. The scene may continue after a check-in, or perhaps be modified or stopped, but talk first.
• Green: Keep going, I’m loving this!
• Beige: I am a brat and I want to piss off my Top by implying that I am bored. Hit me harder!
• Grunting/banging/beeping three times in a row, particularly if combined with tilting the head from side to side while making the noise. This can be helpful when gagged.
• Give the Bottom something noisy (a chain, steel ball, a bell, etc.) to drop. Again, this is useful if the person will be gagged or if they tend to sink deeply into sub space.

Those last two are usually treated as “yellow.” The action stops, the Bottom is ungagged and the Top checks in with them before they jointly decide what to do next.

It can be disappointing when things do not go well and it is okay to be disappointed. However, it is not as important as taking care of each other. Ultimately, addressing these needs and showing that you care for each other is far more important than feeling a little disappointed for a few minutes. Because hopefully, if you handle the situation well, you will get a chance to play again some other time.