Don’t Make Assumptions About Anything or Anyone

You enter the room. You see a tiny, cute girl, dressed in pink chiffon, smiling brightly as she perches on the knee of some huge, fuck-off boxer type dressed in heavy black leather, his hand resting possessively on the small of her back, gazing imperiously at the world around him. Do not assume she is the sub and he the Dom. Do not even assume that “she” identifies as a “she” or “he” a “him.” It could easily be that the person in pink is giving the orders and uses he/him or they/them pronouns.

One of the most ruthless Doms I have ever met was an 80 pound, 22-year-old woman who liked to dress like a baby doll. She looked like she wouldn’t hurt a fly, but she just loved to bring people to floods of tears. Her thing was to lean into stereotypes and then shatter expectations.

The BDSM world respects the fact that physical characteristics, gender identity, gender expression, sexual identity, sexual expression, and sexual preferences are all different things.

Don’t assume a person’s role, ability, intentions, pronouns, gender identity; just ask! If you want a straight answer, ask a straight question. Innuendos and metaphors are breeding grounds for confusion. Asking for clarification or posing a “stupid question” is rarely offensive when done in a conscientious and respectful way. Remember that you are talking to a human being, just like you.

Example of how you might talk to the couple in pink and black:

“Hi, I’m _______. Great to meet both of you. Love the outfits! What would you like me to call you? What are your pronouns?”

Don’t bat an eye if the person in pink answers with “Oh, I am Gozer the Destructor. [tinkling laugh] I own this lovely hunk of deliciousness here. You can just call them ‘Gatekeeper’ [nod of genial acknowledgment] Pleasure to meet you. First time here?”

Just roll with it, call them Gozer and Gatekeeper as asked. All names and all words were made up at one time, so don’t let it bother you if these ones sound a little different to your ear. You will get used to it surprisingly quickly.

You can be charming and witty, ask them where the Keymaster is, but don’t cross the line to being creepy, don’t immediately ask them if you can be the Keymaster.

[If these names didn’t make you smile, go treat yourself: Watch the 1984 film Ghostbusters.  It’s campy as hell and just as 80’s as you can be, but wonderful for all of that…]