You made a plan; generally try to follow that plan. But be flexible enough to flow with your partner’s and your own internal reactions. Keep strong communication. Check in on how they are doing from time to time. Remind them to do the sensory and motor checks we discussed in Nerves & Circulation. Remember that most communication is nonverbal. Look for their signals and use them to guide you to be lighter or heavier, more gentle or stronger, etc. Verbally verify if you have any questions.

Critical: Don’t add anything you had not discussed before the scene.

You can change the plan to make things lighter or to remove a planned element, but never add anything that was not discussed and agreed to before the scene.

People can enter an altered state of mind when in a scene. They are loving what they are feeling so much they would agree to anything. But agreement in such a state is not real consent. If they did not agree to it before the scene, do not do it during, even if they beg you to. It will take strength, but they will respect that strength the day after when they realize you protected them from themselves.

Afterward, at a different time when you are negotiating for a different scene, you can ask them if they want to put those things on the table. Maybe they will trust you enough to try more things with you after they’ve seen you keep your word and know that you will put their safety first.

If Something goes Wrong

Unintentionally having things go awry is not inherently bad. It doesn’t mean that anyone is a bad person or was careless. What matters is what you do if and when it happens.

Respond quickly and calmly. Stay in control. Do what you said you would do when planning. If needed, gracefully end the scene. Release any elements of bondage and begin caring for whoever needs help. What they will need will be different in each case; use common sense and your preparation to help guide your care.

Demonstrate that you can be relied upon when things go wrong.