Generally and always: Be honest about what you choose to share. You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to share, but if you choose to speak, let your words be true. Let people learn they can trust you. This is just a general statement that can apply to almost anything, but in the world of rope it is critically important. If you are asking someone to allow you to tie them, you are literally asking them to trust you with their life. Be worthy of that trust.

Beyond the general statement of “be worthy of trust,” there are some specific things to call out:

Be Honest About Your Level of Experience

If you are not experienced in something, don’t try to hide that fact or embellish your skill level. If you cannot admit that you have things to learn, how will you learn? Being honest about your experience level is critical to consent, safety, and being an ethical player.

Yes, experience is an attractive trait, but a lack of experience does not make you unattractive. Some people try to come off as some sort of shibari master or the ultimate Bottom even when they are just beginning. Yes, it can be hard to admit you don’t know something. It can be hard to ask for help, but you will gain the respect of those around you by doing so. Even if the question feels repetitive or basic, ask it. A good teacher will never make you feel inferior for trying to learn.

There is no shame in being a beginner. Every expert was once a beginner, including the authors of this book. Be honest about your experience level and, if you are interested in changing that, make that happen. Do more research, tie yourself, practice on inanimate objects, ask your best friend to help, find your local rope community and attend their events, ask to observe a rope scene done by a rigger you admire, ask them to watch you tie and provide their input, go to a convention or other event. Every experience will add to your knowledge in some way.

A note for Bottoms: Be skeptical of a person who makes boastful claims to be an expert. People with big egos sometimes think they have nothing left to learn. The best riggers are continually learning, refining and honing their skill. They understand that it is always possible to get better. Humility is a sign of wisdom and integrity. Keep that in mind when vetting potential Rope Tops.

Be Honest About What You Want

Even if you are not yet comfortable talking about your deepest desires, be honest with yourself about them. Over time, as you build trust in the people you are meeting and begin to really understand the huge spectrum of people out there, you can begin sharing more and more of yourself. You can become comfortable enough to share the really important things and find others who are also into what you are into. That is the path to amazing things.

Yes, it can be intimidating to admit things about yourself, even privately, especially if they fall outside traditional roles. To give a classic example: perhaps you are a manly man, ex-Marine from a family who have all been Marines since the Corps was created in 1775. But you long to feel what it would be like to be made to dress in a corset, thigh-high stockings, and stiletto heels. Perhaps you want to tie or be tied while in that outfit. Don’t let the messages from society stop you from exploring! There are many people out there that would be just as into that as you are. You just need to find them. And to find them, you need to be honest about what you want and become part of that community.