Diary of a Baby Rope Top
A personal journey learning rope. Follow along from the very beginning.
LatestRubber Ball
Sometimes I just want to stop feeling
When my anxious mind refuses to quiet down, intense rope work gives me something the rest of life can't — total, single-pointed presence.
I'm really good at pushing people away
I ask for connection, then freeze when it arrives. Notes on avoidance, perfectionism, and trying to show up anyway — in rope practice and everywhere else.
Baby's First Rope Party
My first rope party as a baby rope top — affirmations from Master before I left, a thoughtful gote shibari with the host, and a roomful of philosophizing.
Party invites and uncertainty
I've been invited to a rope party — and I'm anxious. Notes on social overthinking, imposter syndrome, and asking 'am I rope-y enough?' before the door opens.
Custom fit
A pentagram chest harness with Hekate — three fittings, careful feedback, and the unfamiliar territory of physical intimacy without a sexual context.
Quality and the role of perfection
On the day everything fell apart — bad hair, body issues, ropes that wouldn't cooperate — and what I'm learning about quality, care, and the lie of perfection.
Tying with Hekate for the first time
My first time tying another person — a Shinju, double columns, a leg ladder, and Master coaching me to take up more physical space as a young woman.
How growing closer can tear us apart
Why kink — and connection — fade in long-term partnerships, and what intentional rope practice has taught me about staying curious about people I already know.
Surprise, a deadline!
A surprise invitation to perform rope bondage at Rubber Ball USA — and a 92-day SMART goal to get from baby rope top to confident and public-ready.
Spatial Transformation
Preparing my rope space for the first guest: a vacuum, some plants, warm lights, and a detour through how smartphones make me a worse host than I want to be.
The trouble with rope bottoms...
On the scheduling chaos of finding rope bottoms outside a relationship, building a rope identity that's mine, and the rope top qualities I most admire.
Conditioning and getting ready
Putting together my first rope kit — jojoba oil for conditioning, overhand knots that hold, and the lesson that perfect ropes won't make me a better rigger.
The art of the self-tie
On the awkward art of self-tying — setting the mood, picking a tutorial, and the difference between practicing alone and practicing with another person.
Picking out *my* ropes
The hemp ropes I cut a year ago sat in my closet through a hard year. Picking them back up now — and what the 'imposter' voice sounds like up close.
Why do I want to do this?
The first entry. Why I'm starting this rope-top journey now: making art, contributing more to my partner's work, and reclaiming agency in a world falling apart.