It is important to help your partner understand your hot buttons (the things that you love), your soft limits (things that are not to be done for now, but perhaps in the future), and hard limits (things that are an absolute no, so don’t ask).

Be very clear about what activities are okay for this particular scene. Make no assumptions.

Agree on how intense the scene should be, the mood, and how each participant would like to behave.

• Mood: Instructional, intense, dark, light, sensual, violent, gentle, sterile, degrading, humiliating, animalistic, fun-loving, serious, personable, distant, goofy, etc.
• Intensity Level (pain or sensation): None, light, moderate, heavy.
• Deportment: Obedient vs. bratty, demanding, stern, aggressive, nurturing, professorial, etc.

How does the Bottom prefer to be untied – should you emphasize sensuality or speed?

How does the Bottom feel about rope marks, and their location – do they need to be able to cover them for work?

Resistance

Can the Top overpower the Bottom and “force” them to do something?

Can the Bottom “turn the tables” and try to capture the Top instead?

Neither is recommended for early scenes, but these options can be amazing once you get to know each other!

Impact & Sensation Play

You can do non-impact sensation play almost anywhere on a person’s body. (There are limits depending on what you want to do, so do your research.) Impact play, however, can go more than skin deep if it is intense. If you want to hit hard, you need to avoid places where doing so poses a higher risk of physical harm.

When doing impact play:

• Only strike big muscles and big muscle groups: Pectorals, upper back, ass, thighs, hamstrings, calves, bottom of the feet.  This rule can be bent when engaging in impact that is surface level. Canes, whips, and other stingy implements are unlikely to contain enough power to injure internal organs. But be reasonable, use common sense, and discuss it first. For example, ask your partner about whether having surface level impact on the low back is within their risk profile.
• Never strike the kidneys (lower back between the rib cage and pelvic bone) – Strong blows to the kidney will be painful and may result in serious injury

On the illustration:

• Teal areas are normally low risk to impact at reasonable levels (get feedback from your Bottom).
• White areas are fine for sensation play, but not heavy impact.
• Red areas are high risk and should be avoided.

For example, you can punch someone on the butt quite hard without risking much more than a bruise, but punching someone too hard in the stomach can cause severe injury. As always, talk with your partner first and gradually increase intensity over time. Going too light is better than going too hard and ending up with an injury.

Marks

Some Bottoms love marks, from rope or from sensation play or both. They see them as badges of honor. But some people do not want to have marks after a scene for a wide variety of reasons. Or perhaps they can have them in one place, but not another. Discuss this.

Sexual Activity

Be very clear if any kind of sexual activity is permitted, and thoroughly define “sexual activity” with your partner. Make no assumptions. “What do you mean by that?” and “Can you give me an example of what you mean?” are critical questions when it comes to this subject.

• What constitutes sexual touch/activity to you?
• What level of sexual activity are you each looking for?
• Would the Bottom like to have an orgasm while in the scene?
• Would the Top like to orgasm in the scene?
• Is the Bottom able to orgasm while in scene or is this something that is not common for them?
• Does the Bottom enjoy multiple orgasms? What should happen after orgasm? Immediate release? Continued teasing?

Not only do you need to be clear about what is and what is not okay to do, it is also helpful to provide guidance on things on the approved list: e.g., “I love huge anal plugs, but you need to work them in slowly. Don’t have me gagged when you are putting them in because I will need to tell you when to keep pushing and when to pause. Also, after orgasm get it out of me quickly or it will switch from good pain to bad pain.”